Grief

Grief isn’t how I thought it would be. I had experienced grief when I lost grandparents and pets but the grief of losing my Dad was different. For one, it was physical. An actual physical ache in my chest. A crushing, heavy weight that made me feel like I couldn’t catch my breath. Then the range of emotions. There are stages of grief and I think I have moved through most of them now. I remember being so angry at one point. Almost a heaving anger. Then being dislocated from it. All these emotions I had never felt in the raw before. I have¬†come to realise¬†I’m not only grieving for the man who raised and shaped me, I’m grieving for¬†my future without him. I think that actually hurts more. He wont be there to see my kids grow up. In fact, my kids will probably have no real memory of him. That hurts. I have grandparents that I have no memories of and although they are my family and my blood, I don’t have any feelings towards them as such. Knowing my kids will feel like this about my Dad is awful. They wont know the amazing man I did. Will never get to¬†remember how doting a grandfather he was. I guess I am also grieving for my kids.

It’s been 10 weeks since my Dad passed away today. Not one of those days have I not thought about him. Some days are a lot easier then others. It will be something happy or funny. Some days something can hit me and it hurts my chest again. Little things like seeing¬†mocha on the shelves or bigger things like having family dinners and not having him at the head of the table. It catches me off guard because I think I will be ok then the pain comes back. I guess its just all part of the process.

Sometimes people’s well meaning comments are hard too.¬†Comments like ‘at least you got to say goodbye’ are of course true & I am most certainly grateful for that. But I also watched my Dad die slowly. Other people saying ‘He was proud of you’¬†actually infuriates me. I’m not even sure why! I think it’s because Dad being proud of¬†me feels so¬†personal and that the person saying it doesn’t know the inside of our relationship and it seems like they’re trying too? I’m not even really sure to be honest.¬†I am¬†aware though¬†that I’m still very sensitive and people are just trying their best. I guess there probably isn’t any real ‘right’ thing to say. Except maybe ‘It’s shit’.

Today is a new day though and I will move through it in a way that would make Dad happy. I’ll get out in the fresh air, I’ll hold my family tight and I’ll look up in the hope that he is there somewhere –¬†pain free and happy¬†x

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8 thoughts on “Grief

  1. OH, mercy, this is a difficult time. You are healing just fine and you are right, even those people who say infuriating things are well-meaning and only wish to lift you up. When my grandpa died (2009), i’d go off for long walks in the late evening when no one is around and just let emotions and memories wash over me. Give yourself some time – breathe – and when you can, share those special times you had with your dad with your children – maybe even write them down. Bless you, my friend.

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  2. I just want to give you a great big hug because nothing I say will be ‘right’. You have articulated your thoughts and feelings very clearly and that is more than many are able to do.

    My father died 14 years ago in very different circumstances but I do understand your sentiments. Remember the good times, hold your family close and remember that no matter what people say their words are generally well-intentioned. Everything is still very raw and emotional for you so you must give yourself time and space.

    Thinking of you and your family. xxx

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  3. This piece is so honest, deep and touching; it made me cry and it’s so very rare that I’m moved by the written word but the truth and emotion of your own feelings struck home as I was in the same place with my Uncle 10 years ago.

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    1. Sorry this ended up in my spam somehow! (still new to this). Thank you for your kind words. Condolences on your Uncle xx

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