Grief isn’t how I thought it would be. I had experienced grief when I lost grandparents and pets but the grief of losing my Dad was different. For one, it was physical. An actual physical ache in my chest. A crushing, heavy weight that made me feel like I couldn’t catch my breath. Then the range of emotions. There are stages of grief and I think I have moved through most of them now. I remember being so angry at one point. Almost a heaving anger. Then being dislocated from it. All these emotions I had never felt in the raw before. I have come to realise I’m not only grieving for the man who raised and shaped me, I’m grieving for my future without him. I think that actually hurts more. He wont be there to see my kids grow up. In fact, my kids will probably have no real memory of him. That hurts. I have grandparents that I have no memories of and although they are my family and my blood, I don’t have any feelings towards them as such. Knowing my kids will feel like this about my Dad is awful. They wont know the amazing man I did. Will never get to remember how doting a grandfather he was. I guess I am also grieving for my kids.
It’s been 10 weeks since my Dad passed away today. Not one of those days have I not thought about him. Some days are a lot easier then others. It will be something happy or funny. Some days something can hit me and it hurts my chest again. Little things like seeing mocha on the shelves or bigger things like having family dinners and not having him at the head of the table. It catches me off guard because I think I will be ok then the pain comes back. I guess its just all part of the process.
Sometimes people’s well meaning comments are hard too. Comments like ‘at least you got to say goodbye’ are of course true & I am most certainly grateful for that. But I also watched my Dad die slowly. Other people saying ‘He was proud of you’ actually infuriates me. I’m not even sure why! I think it’s because Dad being proud of me feels so personal and that the person saying it doesn’t know the inside of our relationship and it seems like they’re trying too? I’m not even really sure to be honest. I am aware though that I’m still very sensitive and people are just trying their best. I guess there probably isn’t any real ‘right’ thing to say. Except maybe ‘It’s shit’.
Today is a new day though and I will move through it in a way that would make Dad happy. I’ll get out in the fresh air, I’ll hold my family tight and I’ll look up in the hope that he is there somewhere – pain free and happy x