Since Dad passed away 6mths ago I have been unbelievably restless. One of the thoughts that hit me was wondering a lot if Dad had been content with his life. If he had done everything he had wanted to do and if not, what was left on his list? What would he have changed? What would he have regretted? Of course this in turn then made me reflect on my own exsistance. If I were called to the pearly gates today I sure wouldn’t be ready.
Unfortunately this reflection has brought with it a lot of negatives. A list of things I am not happy with and a list of things I want to change. If someone had told me when I was younger that at 32 I would either be packing shelves or being a housewife, living in a house I didn’t love & be the brokest I have ever been, I would be pretty bummed.
I realise it’s all because of being home with the kids & watching them grow which is what I wanted, but I’m still feeling lost. I want more. I need more. But I don’t know what it is I need or want. I don’t know my path or how to find it.
Not being content within myself has had a knock on effect to everything else. I’m in a house I don’t love but at least we’re paying off our own home. We’re broke but have all we really need (I have to stress the word need lol). I’m stacking boxes so I can see my girls grow.
These in themselves aren’t what are making me restless. It’s the yearning to not want to look back with regret. I need to find my passion. I know it’s out there, I just haven’t yet discovered it…