I always knew I was an over thinker. I knew I worried more then some people. I didn’t really realise it was actually ‘anxiety’ until I was speaking with my doctor. It’s normal to over think. Its not normal to over think to the point of heart racing, tears and almost like a flight response.
Here’s an example of how my brain worked over a simple girls dinner at my place.
Invite a couple of mates over for dinner. Worry that other mates will find out & feel left out. Invite everyone. Get anxious that the original people invited wanted it to be just us. Worry. Realise I’ve invited 2 heavily pregnant women and on the flip side one who recently had a misscarriage & one who is having issues falling pregnant. Panic. Message those I may have upset. Realise one other person probably really didn’t want to hang around kids. Message that person. Worry that some of the combinations of people coming may not match. Over analyse them and scenarios. Then think of two people I mainly wanted to ask because I was worried they weren’t travelling well – turns out they can’t come anyway. Message them to make sure they’re ok. Start to wonder if someone who said no just doesn’t want to come cause its me. Wonder if I have upset them. Go over the last times I spoke with them wondering if I did something wrong. Look at who hasn’t responded. Wonder why and think of each person and why they might not care to reply to an invite. Start thinking I should just call the night off because its too hard. Wish I had just left it all alone. All these thoughts and more over and over.
It goes on and on until I feel like I’m having a panic attack. My heart races & I get teary and overwhelmed. It all focuses around not upsetting other people… Which is ironic because when my black dog kicks in I can clearly identify people and lots of instances where I have been left out or simply not thought of in my darkest hours. So the anxiety is not wanting to upset people then the depression tells me they don’t care anyway. Its ridiculous. Its exhausting.
I need to stop over thinking… I’m just not sure how.